The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
