You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
