the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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