Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
