im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
