I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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