i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We have so much sex to catch up on
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
