apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
