guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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