My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize