I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
