just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
