Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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