fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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