I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
