dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
