The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
