Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
sex in a hospital.. check
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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