I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
