Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize