i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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