I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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