Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
