oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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