hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
