the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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