I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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