life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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