That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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