I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize