saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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