I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize