Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
