i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
