i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
