We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize