I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
