Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
