you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
