I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
