dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
