M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize