Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
