let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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