I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
