Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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