She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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