a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
