Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
