Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
