no, he came in my armpit
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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