he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
