god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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