Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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