god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
