Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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