Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
