Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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