Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
there is glitter all over my balls
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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