watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize