why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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