my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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