i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
