My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
