she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Is it penis luge time yet?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
