Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
