the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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