I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
